Kenneth W Daniels
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Coming out as an unbeliever to your spouse

1/8/2012

 

"I still haven't even told my wife the whole truth yet. I'd love to hear more in your blog about your process of 'coming out' with your wife, and how you two have coped with everything over the last decade."

Thanks to this reader (I’ll call him John) for giving me fodder for this week’s blog post. His predicament is fairly common for those leaving the faith; it seems that only rarely do both spouses in a marriage leave the faith together. Over the years I’ve received a number of messages from married doubters, usually men. Typically the wife remains a believer, though sometimes she eventually joins him in leaving the faith. Otherwise, the couple either remains in a mixed marriage or ends up parting ways.

I’ll share some of my story in this post, but with a couple of caveats. First, since every couple and every situation is different, our experience can’t be used as a template for all couples in which one of the partners is going through a deconversion process. Second, ours is a long, personal story, so I can only share a few salient highlights in this context. My only goal in writing this is to provide a little inspiration to those struggling in a mixed marriage.

Shortly after we began dating in 1991 after my year of seminary, I intimated to Charlene that I had experienced two crises of faith during college but that I had recovered and was aiming to become a missionary Bible translator. She was thus aware of my potential vulnerability to doubt, but little did either of us suspect that I would, nearly ten years later, experience a relapse that would end our missionary career and lead me away from the pastures of faith.

I did experience a brief period of doubt for maybe three or four weeks during our yearlong furlough in Texas in 1999, but I kept it secret from Charlene, since I felt confused and unsure of which direction to take, and I didn’t want to upset her until I was more settled in what I believed. As it turned out, after confiding my struggles to a respected Christian professor, I regained enough confidence in my faith to return to the mission field in the summer of 1999.

As I recounted in my book, it was less than a year later, in the spring of 2000, that I was again struggling while reading through the Old Testament with Charlene in Africa. I didn’t initially let on to her the extent to which some of the passages troubled me. I sought answers to my questions on the Internet and instead happened upon Robert Price’s online critiqued of fundamentalism, Beyond Born Again. Even before I finished the book, I felt my world coming down around me, and I couldn’t continue holding onto an evangelical faith I knew in my heart to be unfounded. Before that point, in struggling with doubt I wondered if I was just off my rocker, but when I read Price, I realized there were good reasons for my doubts and that I was certainly far from alone. I’ve never been one to be able to hide a secret, so with fear and trembling, I confessed to Charlene that I was again experiencing doubts. Having recently read Darwin’s Black Box by Michael Behe, I could honestly say I did not doubt God’s existence at that point, but I did doubt the inspiration of the Bible and the claim of Christianity to be the only way to God. The details of how I “came out” to her are like a misty fog to me now nearly 11 years later, but I think I started off with something like, “Charlene, I have something difficult I need to share with you.” Then I proceeded to spill the beans as gently but as truthfully as I could. She was of course taken off guard and disappointed, but I don’t think it was as much of a shock as if I hadn’t informed her of my prior struggles before we married. 

I am grateful to Charlene for not reacting more negatively than she did, and I consider myself fortunate to be married to her. Based on the correspondence I’ve received from others, it does not work out so well for everyone. Some spouses react with surprising bitterness and even vindictiveness. I heard from a guy who had a two-and-a-half hour “coming out” conversation, after which his wife accused him of abandoning her. She explicitly compared his act to adultery. Another friend of mine was told by his wife that she will never have children with him until and unless he returns to the fold as a Bible-believing Christian. Yet others end more happily. Within a several months of one man’s deconversion, I heard back from him with the news that his wife had followed suit. Others are more like Charlene and me, where the two remain committed to each other in love despite their differences.

Given the uncertainty over how the believing spouse will react to the doubter’s coming out, it’s no wonder that John (the reader I mentioned at the beginning of this post) has been reluctant to tell the whole truth to his wife, and I can’t say I blame him. Yet at some point it will become more uncomfortable for him to continue hiding his secret than to face the prospect of her reaction to his new views. And when that time comes, he’ll no doubt find his own way to reveal to her where he stands. For my part, I felt that hiding a secret of this nature for any significant length of time could lead to a breach of trust, so I determined to let her know as soon as it was settled in my mind that I could not longer subscribe to the evangelical party line.

To make a long story short (the longer version is available in my book), we returned from Africa to the mission headquarters here in Texas, where I received counseling and experienced a renewal of my faith for a few months, after which it all fell apart again in late 2000, and I faced the dreaded task of revealing this to Charlene again. It was a terrifying roller coaster ride for both of us, and Charlene was understandably unhappy with my new relapse, perhaps sensing correctly this was going to become my long-term position. Perhaps a year later I started doubting God’s existence (I had held to deism during that transitional year), but I didn’t ever come out and tell her explicitly I didn’t believe in God, perhaps because I never came to the point where I was certain God does not exist. Instead, I stated my agnostic position and later agnostic/atheist/secular humanist position to friends, both verbally and through e-mails that she read, so she became aware of my evolving position naturally over time.

Incidentally, I should confess that I do not hide my e-mails correspondence from my wife, nor does she hide any from me, so she’s aware of a lot of what I write and read from others and vice versa. I think this helps us understand each other’s world better without having to preach to each other. It’s a decision we simply made early on when we shared a common e-mail account, and then we never grew out of it when we set up separate accounts on the same computer. (If you’d like to contact me without Charlene reading your message, please indicate, “For Ken only” at the top of the message.)

My inclination at the beginning of the “coming out” process was to try to justify my position to Charlene and to take every opportunity to explain what I now believed and why. I didn’t want her to think I was just randomly going off the deep end for no good reason, and I wanted her to appreciate and maybe even accept my reasons for not believing. It would even be fair to say I wanted to convert her to my point of view, and I know she wanted me to return to Jesus, praying much toward that end. We had some pretty tense exchanges, but eventually we both realized there was little to be gained in sparring over our respective positions. I don’t recall that we’ve engaged in a single discussion, let alone argument, over religion in the past six or seven years.

In a nutshell, my advice to those in a mixed marriage is 1) treat your spouse with respect, 2) love your spouse, 3) don't go off and sow your wild oats, and 4) did I say respect your spouse? (Not that I'm a model on any of these points, but it's what I strive toward.)

For many in a mixed marriage, the greatest source of tension is in how to teach the children. Since I’ve blogged about this previously, I won’t say more here. Our story is still in progress, but once the kids are grown and more of the outcome has unfolded, it’s possible that Charlene and I could write a book together on our shared experiences--how we learned to compromise, feel each other out, develop patterns in relating to each other and to our children, etc. Perhaps there’s a niche for a book like that, though I’m not sure how big the market would be. Whatever the case, if it can be help to others struggling through a mixed marriage, it may be worth the effort. Both Charlene and I are in favor of preserving marriage whenever possible, especially when children are involved, though I recognize there are times when the relationship is so poisoned due to rigidity on the part of one or both parties that a decision sometimes has to be made to move on. Thankfully that has not been the case for us, and we’d like to do what I can to help make it as rare as possible for others. Charlene has corresponded with a few Christian women whose husbands have left the faith to offer encouragement and support, so if you come out to your wife and she’s struggling with your deconversion, feel free to reach out and let me know; I know Charlene would be glad to help.


Thanks to all who’ve read and/or responded. Please keep the good questions coming in as fodder for my future blog posts!
Holly
1/8/2012 05:18:11 pm

It's interesting because even when both spouses have "deconverted," such is the case between my husband and I, there's still stuff to navigate through and tensions. Even though I was the first one to come out with struggling with my faith and my husband was the one who was trying to get me to "hold on," he is now the one who has taken the harder line against Christianity than me. For example, it was recently discovered over a game of Taboo that my 9 year old daughter does not even know who Adam and Ever are. I want to sit down and share with her these basic Bible stories so that she is not ignorant. My husband does not want that to be done unless it's done as a comparative religion lesson. The prayer thing has caused a lot of awkwardness in my family in that I'm finding it difficult to invite family over for dinner because I know how uncomfortable and sad it makes them that we don't pray before our meals. I want to invite my dad to pray if he wants to and my husband doesn't want to in our house. I would let our kids go to church if they wanted to and were invited, my husband is against that. I guess that's marriage, but even when both spouses have deconverted, there's things to work out and tensions to be had! I really sympathize with both you and Charlene..and your children! But what a strong exercise of commitment and compromise..and faith in your relationship and your family you all are going through. I can definitely see how you both (or all..your children's perspective someday would be very interesting to include) could write a book. I don't think that many people can imagine how such a relationship works and the monumental effort it must require on both ends to keep it so. I would read a book like that.
Future blog topic if you're interested..as I have been asked this a few times and have tried to answer it honestly. What do you think the world would be like if every person was an Atheist? Would it be better or worse? As much as religion can cause harm, would it be worse if there were no religion? Would there be more suicides, attempts and support to eliminate the "burdens" in society such as the mentally or physically handicapped, less charity and acts of good-will towards the less fortunate? Would there be more murder, crime, lying and deception (is that possible?). I of course would not be inclined to behave that way, but given my recognition of our very selfish nature and propensity to fall into despair and need hope, I wonder how many people would behave in such ways given a lack of belief in god. I like to think that we would still realize that it's best to respect life and that we would band together in attempts to make society a good place for everybody, but maybe I'm just kidding myself. Anyways, if you're interested. :-)

Ken Daniels
1/10/2012 12:55:21 pm

Thanks for your thoughts again, Holly! I guess I hadn't really thought of any of those interesting challenges to being in a fully secular household. I would side with you on Adam and Eve; every kid needs to know about our cultural heritage, religious or otherwise. If they don't get it from you, they'll eventually be told about it from those who think Adam and Eve lived 6000 years ago. I think the kids are resilient enough to get some exposure from believing grandparents and others; you as a couple could even use those occasions as a springboard for discussion with the kids, in a sense inoculating them from the inevitable exposure they're receive later on in life from every angle.

Thanks also for your suggestion for a future blog post. It's an important topic, so I'll see what I can do with it.

Ken

Dave link
1/9/2012 09:05:06 am

I de-converted from Christianity six months ago and my wife was the first one to know. She was very understanding and our marriage has remained strong. There is a lot that goes in to a good marriage and I don't think personal religious beliefs need to get in the way of one. One thing I've learned is that you have to think about your spouse and put their needs before your own. The more time and effort you put in to your relationship with your spouse the more you'll get out of it. All happy couples know this already. If you stay committed to each other there is nothing that will tear you apart, especially not religious beliefs.

Ken Daniels
1/10/2012 01:06:32 pm

Dave,

Very well said. I think you encapsulated the essence of any good marriage--mixed or otherwise!

For some, though, it's a real struggle when our minds are so focused on what we believe, and we can't understand why the other just doesn't "get it." It's tempting to think of the other spouse as obstinate in their refusal to adopt our position, and it's sometimes easier said and done to resist the temptation to look down on them for it. I struggled more with this in the early years after my deconversion, but with time it's become much easier for me to deal with that challenge.

I wish you the best in your ongoing relationship with your wife.

Ken

Jay B.
1/9/2012 12:09:33 pm

I came out with my wife, 3 sons, and most of my extended family as well as my local church leadership almost simultaneously a little less than 2 years ago. However, I started with my wife.

I had expressed that I was having some doubts about Christianity and the Bible over the preceding 6 months leading up to my "coming out", but I hadn't really discussed any of the details with her or how serious my doubts had become. She was encouraging me to talk to our pastor about it, and kind of pressing me a bit, but I didn't really feel I was ready yet as I wanted to read and study more before expressing my thoughts publicly. I wanted some time to try and figure out if my doubts were as well founded as they seemed to be.

As part of this process, I had written a deconversion document, which outlined my life as a believer, as well as what lead me to doubt Christianity and the Bible, and then what I had learned in my research. I gave this document to my wife, and preceded it with a cover letter specifically addressed to her reassuring her of my love and commitment to our marriage, and stating that even though I no longer thought it was even possible to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, that I did have a personal relationship with her, and that that was important to me and something I valued deeply.

She was understandably hurt and I think pretty surprised by what I had written, but I felt that it was important for me to "lay it all out on the table" so to speak, even at the risk of loosing my marriage. Truth and integrity, including intellectual honesty, (which were all things I came to value during my Christian upbringing) are very important to me, and I didn't feel that I could go on living a lie by continuing to pose as a Christian when I no longer was one.

Even though there has been some difficulty in our relationship over the last 2 years since my deconversion, I am pleased to say that we are still happily married. My wife has been understanding, and has even met a few of my new deconverted friends. I have also given her the respect and freedom to continue to meet with her Christian friends and to attend church activities as she sees fit, and she has done the same with me when I want to meet with my new friends. I keep very little from her, and I believe she keeps very little from me. It takes two to make a mixed marriage work, but it can work if both partners are committed to the relationship.

Jay

Ken Daniels
1/11/2012 12:20:17 pm

Wow, thanks for your encouraging story, Jay! It's always heartening to hear from people like you who are making it work, even under less-than-ideal circumstances. For some it just doesn't work out due to the personality and/or disposition of one or both of the partners, but I think the more examples there are of those who've worked through the challenges, the more encouraging it is to keep pressing on for those teetering on the precipice. Marriage isn't an end in an of itself (to paraphrase Jesus, I like to say, "Marriage was made for people, not people for marriage"), but it can be a very rewarding thing and is worth striving to keep if possible. I'm curious--do you have any children? If so, have you come to terms with how to educate them when it comes to religion?

Jay B.
1/12/2012 10:35:21 am

I do have 3 sons, but they were all grown or nearly so when I deconverted, so decisions about their religious education ware not really an issue. (FYI they were 21, 19, and 17 at the time.) By that point they had all pretty much made their own decisions about religion anyway.

I have often thought about how things would have been different had I deconverted a decade earlier when the boys were younger. I hope and believe that my wife and I could have come to an agreement about their religious education at that time, but that is not a certainty and will never be known.

I feel for those with young children, as I know that that would have added a point of disagreement with my wife and an additional level of complexity to my "coming-out" process. Although I would be interested in hearing about how you have dealt with this issue in your family.

As it stands right now, my 23 year old son has declared himself an agnostic like myself, my 21 year old is still firmly committed to his Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian beliefs, as is his mother, while the 19 year old is non-committal to either camp.

The potential that this current situation could degrade into an "us verses them" battle within the family, with my wife and I taking sides with our respective like-minded sons, has concerned me somewhat. My feeling is that despite our differences, we are all still family, and that is important to me. My wife and I are both still committed to seeing the family stay together (as are our sons) and this commitment from everyone involved has helped smooth over many of the rough spots.

At one point in my life I would have said I feel "Blessed" to have the wife and family I have. Now I would say that I just feel "Lucky".

Jay

Hendy link
1/10/2012 01:10:12 am

Thanks for the post, Ken. I'd definitely be interested in future posts on how, exactly, continuing to stay married has been. This post was mostly aimed at the actual coming out process. How about live after coming out?

I couldn't keep things from my wife, either. I would never recommend hiding things, but I know some who have. As I began to doubt and sensed serious issues, I felt physically nauseous for about a week or two until I finally told her what was going on. My world was crumbling.

In moving forward, the biggest conflict has been children and social engagements given the fact that most of our friends are deeply religious. Many of these engagements involve praise and worship or some religious focus; I feel quite alienated and uncomfortable during those times. I come for socialization and having to stand in silence amidst a worshipping crowd to get to the actual human/human interaction is taxing. I also object to raising our kids to believe in Christianity outright. This is a *huge* source of disagreement, as this is explicitly what my wife wants to do.

The respect thing is a biggy. Our worst times have been when we don't respect one another. I'm working at this. I would say that I've got a fundamental lack of respect for those who know they don't have reasons for action X beyond, "It's just what I want to do" or "It's how I was raised," are aware of this lack of justification, and yet don't see any reason why it should interfere with their entitlement to do X. It can feel like I'm dealing with an alien species, and a species I don't have much respect for (especially since such justification would *never* fly in any other aspect of life -- I "just really like" how planes look with wings half as long. Want to ride one?).

Thanks again for your contribution to the blogosphere in this topic area. See you around!

Ken Daniels
1/12/2012 10:53:45 am

Thanks for your perspective, Hendy. I'll consider writing more in the future about marriage post-coming-out, while avoiding putting too big of a magnifying glass on our personal lives. I have experienced many of the frustrations you expressed, though the tension (both external and internal) has improved with time. We've now been married longer since my deconversion (over 11 years) than before my deconversion (almost 9 years). Our 20th anniversary is coming up this summer!

There were times when I wondered whether it would even be feasible to make a marriage work in our situation. I don't know what percentage of mixed marriages fail, but I suspect the stats aren't great. However, I was encouraged a year or so ago when I met an atheist who'd been married to his Baptist wife for over 40 years and was still going strong. Whatever the stats are, if I know of just one couple that can make it work, then I have hope we can make it work too.

Of the two of you in your marriage, which one would you say is struggling the most with what the other person believes? It sounds as though you're having a hard time with her believing what she wants; I'm guessing she feels somewhat the same toward you. Do you think she has a harder time with you or you with her?

I think we as deconverts sometimes value truth and integrity and honesty about all else--that's what drove us out of the faith of our youth, after all, despite the great cost of doing so. After sacrificing so much, we'd like everyone to make the same sacrifices, to realize the error of their ways and leave their faith beyond, no matter the cost. It's so obvious to us from this vantage point that this is the right thing for them to do. Yet it took us years or decades ourselves to come to that point, and we might never have come to that point if it weren't for a whole host of factors beyond our control--our personalities, dispositions, influences, social networks, etc. So, as frustrating as it can be to just let others continue grazing in burned-over pastures of faith while greener pastures lie beyond the fence of doubt, I've come to the conclusion that, for the sake of marital cohesion, I just have to resist my urge to actively pull my wife over the fence. Certainly I hope some day she'll see the green grass over on this side and be drawn to it, but I can't force her; I'd rather that she make up her own mind than to be cajoled over to my position. I guess everyone in a mixed marriage has to decide whether it's worth staying in the marriage and living with that tension, but once the decision is made to stay by her side, I think the best course is just to let go of the urge to proselytize or criticize (both outwardly and inwardly).

Those are my thoughts, in any case. I look forward to hearing how it goes with you and your wife...

Thanks,

Ken

Ken Daniels
1/13/2012 12:19:14 pm

Hendy,

I realized I neglected to say anything about social situation in which worship or religious fellowship is going on around you. I agree that's extremely uncomfortable, and you shouldn't have to deal with that. If I were in your position, I'd probably be up front to my wife about it, letting her know I'm not comfortable in those contexts and could we work together to avoid them. Fortunately when I've been with extended family for holidays and other events, it hasn't been often that worship and prayer have come up (apart from saying grace at meals, which I don't object to). I sometimes wonder if they're holding back out of deference to me and I feel a little guilty about it, but not too much. As long as they don't bring it up, neither will I.

Ken

atimetorend link
3/13/2012 12:11:15 am

"<em>Our story is still in progress, but once the kids are grown and more of the outcome has unfolded, it’s possible that Charlene and I could write a book together on our shared experiences--how we learned to compromise, feel each other out, develop patterns in relating to each other and to our children, etc. Perhaps there’s a niche for a book like that, though I’m not sure how big the market would be.</em>"

Well I would definitely read that book! Though my kids will be grown by that time. We're muddling through the issue pretty well. The biggest help has been moving to a progressive church where critical thinking and dealing with doubt is not only encouraged, but is really integral to the community/congregation. Not to mention that I can be myself there without needing to hide unbelief.

My biggest struggle lately has been how to deal with the kids when they express disbelief. I don't want them hostile towards my wife's beliefs. And as long as we are going to church as a family, they can claim disbelief as an argument for staying home on Sundays. Which is not conducive to keeping the peace with my wife about faith.

As I said, we're muddling through the issue. :^) I read your story when I was in the process of leaving christian faith, and I just started reading here, glad to see you are writing about so many issues pertinent to me.


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    Author

    Kenneth W. Daniels (1968-), son of evangelical missionaries, is the author of Why I Believed: Reflections of a Former Missionary. He grew up in Africa and returned as an adult to serve with Wycliffe Bible Translators in Niger on the edge of the Sahara Desert. While studying the Bible on the mission field, he came to doubt the message he had traveled across the world to bring to a nomadic camel-herding ethnic group. Though he lost his faith and as a result left Africa in 2000, he remains part of a conservative Christian family. He currently resides with his wife and three children in suburban Dallas, TX, where he works as a software developer.

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